many (many, many, many) tears later, it is still so hard to believe that the answer is – NO – we are *not* pregnant.

thank you all for the amazing love and tons of positive vibes you all have been beaming our way… we felt/feel them, they helped us keep hope.

let me just say for the record that estrogen patches and two flavors of progesterone a day can really fuck up your intestines, mind, sleep patterns, digestion, ability to have a sane conversation.

i can’t wait till this stuff leaves my system and i am no longer walking the sharp edge of meltdown.

goodbye 2008, don’t call us – we’ll call you.



this wait has been excruciating! absolutely excruciating…
we have 4 days left till we find out… we test on the morning of wednesday 31st and they call back by 4pm if you are lucky. (a long day to be sure)

i have been shaky for days, vaguely nauseous and headachy. i had horrible runs on the 24th and spent most of the 25th and 26th in bed. not really sick exactly, more like just *off* really off. i spent a couple hours *sure* that meant i was pregnant and the rest of the time quite sure that this is entirely the promentrium and estrogen patches talking. it is KILLING me!

the wait is *always* hard, but on this many hormones, i am not sure that i am going to be able to keep my head for the next 4 days. i am SO weepy i can barely stand it 😦 i am hot and sweaty and weird… bleach!

sleep? backpain, crampy, crazy… arrrrghhh!

it is 5:13 am and i have been awake since about 3:45 when one of the kitties (the cream colored, curly tailed wonder, trouble) came in and started purring and cuddling with us. i lay in bed for about 45 minutes, just long enough for the other kitty (squint, who rarely squints anymore now that he is so much healthier) to pounce my bare toes with his claws and make his quick escape… and then i got up so as not to wake dakota.

my system is all out of wack. i can’t tell if it is all the progesterone and estrogen patches, the 4 days of prednisone (post embryo transfer), stress from my crazy job, the fact that xmas is 2 days away and until 2 days ago, i didn’t want to do it, but now i do and have been shopping and feeling kind of festive (poor dakota had no warning and has had two 12 hour days back to back since my announcement that OF COURSE we need to do stockings at least! it is my favorite thing!)

or maybe it is because i am really excited that we might be pregnant, and SO worried that we won’t be 😦

i am totally exhausted in the early evenings and then irritatingly awake in the wee hours of the morning, my lower back has been hurting for days and i am mildly crampy/mixes with back pain so hard to tell. with all the hormones, it is very unlikely that i would get my period early like i did last cycle, even though i did use follistim again, so i don’t THINK that the crampy back pain is period coming, at least yet. we don’t go in for blood test until the 31st. aaaaaaggggghhhh! i am trying to relax and i am hoping this will all seem less in the light of day.

our flat christmas tree…

i wanted to share our flat christmas tree with you all. i love the smell of pine and the lights on a tree… we have these two little kitties who LIVE to destroy. what was i to do??

last week after the saturday disappointment, when i still thought there was a sunday insemination coming… i needed something to do to distract me from my fury and worry… so i built the flat tree of wreaths and then L and H babypants helped me to decorate it while dakota was at work.

we are so grateful for their friendship, i am so grateful for my sweet love dakota, and we are so grateful for all of you to be muddling through this insane, hopeful, mind-blowing and life altering adventure with 🙂

thank you…

now for the tree


went in this morning with knees knocking… would my lining be up to snuff? would we be turned away again – no sperm last week, no embryo this week…

well, good news! my lining was almost 11cm up from 8 and when the doc looked at past months info, 8 had been the best i had done in thus far, so 11 was my personal best (her words, not mine). yay for estrogen patches!

out of 4 embryos, only 2 made it through the thaw (that was hard) but the two that made it looked good and so in they went. it hurt! and i am so happy, a bit uncomfortable, super tired, but really happy. full of hope and embryos.

getting to this moment really sucked with the f’d up deliveries on saturday and sunday and then all the days of first disappointment of the missed iui cycle, the new idea – embryo transfer! and then anxiety that my lining would not be thick enough to warrant doing the embryo transfer… but now here i am on the couch with the kitties near by and my sweetie buzzing about – i have 2 of dakota’s embryos in my uterus trying to make a go of it, and i couldn’t be happier!

hope in a holding pattern…

went to doc to check lining yesterday. my lining is *ok* but not excellent. we are only gonna do this IF things are in the best possible shape for implantation. we only have 4 embryos, we can’t take a chance (and pay all that $) if conditions are not right.

she gave me two estrogen patches, which i will have on till i go in again on friday morning at 10am. at that time she will check my lining again and if the estrogen has kicked in and built up a nice fluffy lining, we go ahead… if not, we don’t

hope in a holding pattern…


if you have not yet read dakota’s guest post on my blog last night, please do…
dakota on homicidal thinking

it will tell you the evil story of how we came to this moment… and my words below will make more sense.


i was almost asleep, exhausted and so upset that we did not even have the chance to hope for a *christmas present* pregnancy, when i sat up in bed – had woken completely up when my brain put together this possible scenario…

what if we did a FET (frozen egg transfer)? i will spare you the long train of thoughts that led to this in my problem-solving half asleep brain… and just say that while the eggs that i ovulated are gone and there is nothing to do about them, we do know WHEN i ovulated and we do have 4 of dakota’s embryos frozen. as some of you know, the way it works is that the embryos were allowed to develop for 5 days and then the ones that developed well and looked viable were frozen. all they need is a readied uterus – 5 days post day of ovulation – to be dropped into and maybe – just maybe – one will implant and, well there you go!

i have such a uterus and dakota had just happened to take this friday off as a day to hang out with each other (and not lose vacation days that expire in 08) and friday is when this would need to happen. yes, the % of success is not great – but no worse than an iui (insemination) – AND it will cost us a lot of $ that the insurance company will not reimburse us for… but i would have a little holiday hope, and maybe… just maybe… 🙂

i emailed my doc, she was very game for us to try this. i started progesterone suppositories this am (L, i knew there was a reason for you to give me those).

i will go in on wed or thurs to see if my lining looks good and if it does, we will try this on friday…

fingers crossed, check book about to be emptied, feeling a bit hopeful again…