drugs…

never in my life have i been so excited to see drugs! i was a strange teenager and young adult. i didn’t use drugs, have any interest in them or even wonder if i maybe should. not for lack of access… all my friends (well many of them anyway) were connoisseurs.

but here i am, at 41, and the delivery that arrived yesterday had me dancing a jig. follistim – 8 boxes of it! and an ovidril shot. these are the drugs that never arrived for my last cycle just now catching up… but i did the last cycle on two boxes of follistim we had left in the fridge from dakota’s ivf retrieval – and it was plenty if not a bit too much for me – so this should last us awhile and we won’t have to fight with the insurance company.

feeling really sad about the bfn, and feeling psyched about the fridge full of DRUGS. what can i say?

hope you all had a happy thanksgiving, we had a taco fest here in brooklyn. it was divine.

xo mulberry

no more waiting…

4 days early i got my period and a bfn… has never happened before and it totally unexpected, except perhaps for the migraine preamble…

so so so disappointed, soooooo disappointed. my doc says it happens sometimes that a luteal phase will be untypical. i will go in for blood work and the circus will begin again… for tonight, i am snuggled in bed finishing left over gf pizza and ice cream and getting pets from dakota and sitting with my sadness so as not to rush past it with plans…

did i mention that our day to go in to do our blood test was going to be day after thanksgiving, and one year to the date of my first diagnostic blood test at the RE’s office. we have officially been at this for one year. 3 iui’s and a ivf retrieval with dakota and 3 iui’s with me. dakota reminds me that this process can take awhile and that she can *see* me pregnant… i sit with my sadness and maybe later will be able to bask in her vision, but for now, sadness.

damn!

one week down…

one week to go… well, slightly less. we test on friday – yay!

it has been so hard to wait through the week, but my parents were in town from CA and that has been so great. they have been sending us good vibes and happy fertile thoughts, well my mom anyway – my dad doesn’t really do vibes ๐Ÿ˜‰ i have been mostly hopeful – i really really want this time to be one that works… i think the fact that there were 6 follicles in there this time has made me much more hopeful than i have been thus far… that said, i have had many moments of certainty that i am NOT pregnant… the fact that the insane bloating that i had for the first 5 days after the trigger shot went away, the fact that i got a migraine, the fact that my boobs hurt less than they did a few days ago, the fact that statistically – it is more reasonable to assume i am NOT pregnant. arrrgh!

i can barely stand that i have to wait 4.5 more days till i know…

the deed is done – yay!

– this am at 10:30am we did our iui – yay!
– i have/had 6 follicles (and hopefully a few good eggs) and we sent a ton of sperm up after them – yay!
– because it started so early, dakota was able to come with me before work – yay!
– because we finished so quickly (never happens) there was still enough time for dakota to come with me to meet the babypants girls for brunch – yay!
– because they are SO fabulous, after dakota went to work, the babypants gals came over to our house and brought a movie and popcorn and the three of us watched and pigged out on popcorn – yay!

life is good, i am feeling hopeful and surrounded by love (and insanely bloated and tired – but hey, it can’t all be good)

triggered…

can you believe it? we did my trigger shot this afternoon and we have an insemination tomorrow (saturday) at 9:30am!

i have been on follist*im for 6 days. first two days at 300 and it was really working so they dialed me back to 225 for the next 4 days… turns out my body is REALLY responsive (possibly too responsive) to the drugs. i have 6 very large follicles and my doc said it is time to pull the trigger (or rather poke the trigger shot in my fleshy belly). we talked about the possibility of multiples but my age does bring that likelihood down significantly so we are going ahead knowing the dreaded selective reduction is out there as a slight slight slight sad possibility. i am not open to carrying more than two at a time – and would really prefer one given the added health risks.

i have been nauseous for the last 5 days something awful… any time my hormones are messed with in the least little bit i get nauseous ๐Ÿ˜ฆ i have the feeling that when i finally get pregnant, i will be one of those 24/7 9 month *morning* sickness sufferers – but if that is what it takes i will do it, and you all get to hear me moan about it ๐Ÿ˜‰ for the last day or so i have been a little bloated and sensitive in the ovary area. after the wanding this morning both ovaries (they each have 3 follicles) feel like they have been slapped around big time – ouch! those months when i thought i could feel a twinge or two around ovulation time, now i know it WAS a twinge cause the twinge times 6 feels similar just way more insistent and uncomfortable.

i am planning to go to the Repeal Prop 8 rally tomorrow (assuming that i feel up to it) and am excited that there is action here in NYC to participate in (it is 1-4:30 at city hall in manhattan). I have been very upset by the anti-gay amendments that passed on nov 4th, even as i have continued to be thrilled at the victory and opportunity that we gained getting obama elected. i have commented on may of your blogs about these coexisting feelings of hope/excitement/joy and disappointment/rage/despair even though i did not post about it myself till now. i am glad that more is starting to be said in effort to bring people together, not push apart the gay community and the communities of color like i was hearing in the beginning. (for many of us, more than one of those communities is home. it is so destructive to all of us to play them off one another) i believe we can overcome this hurdle together and make sure that discrimination is stopped and that *all* americans have full and equal rights.

speaking of discrimination… my insurance company is not talking to me… they are pretending that i do not have iui/infertility coverage and has denied this cycle. we are paying out-of-pocket (sucks) and will fight them about it later. i am hoping that we get pregnant and i can spend the next many months fighting about the past services and i don’t have to keep trying to get pre-approval! we have not yet had the time to find out more about the recent *reversals* of the approvals for my last iui and dakota’s ivf. we are gearing up for that fight. ugggh!

for now, focusing on having good receptive eggs in those follicles!

i did it…

…for the first time IN MY LIFE i voted for a candidate for president who i REALLY like, respect and trust to provide leadership to our country. wow! i have been an independent for 20 years, i have worked on many a campaign, organized many a voter, and cast many a vote. i was happy and proud to cast many votes that were not about my candidate winning (cause there was no shot in hell), but rather were about opening up the process to include more voices, independent voices. and i’ll tell ya, they were worth it. it is no longer the case that elections are talked about solely as a democrat/republican thing any more (tho there is a lot more to go there). i feel truly delighted! i know we won’t know who won until late tonight (and maybe later if there are any shenanigans) but i am delighted to even be in this place. i know my father, also an independent, will see this as his old democratic party FINALLY coming through. i see it as we are FINALLY starting to transcend parties. yes, obama is a democrat, but he has not let his party affiliation dilute/limit his voice. ok, yes, i feel strongly here and i know many would disagree – but hey, it’s my blog ๐Ÿ˜‰

on other fronts… work sucks, but i managed to get through the most horrible, disrespectful day on friday where my boss told me i had a bad attitude and that i better figure out over the weekend (and we would talk again monday!) if i wanted to *be here* given *this is how he’s doing things* – this because after he told me my role has changed and i no longer report to him, but to the other partner and i have no managerial responsibilities (and i have no team anymore), a 15% salary cut… etc… i was i bit distant emotionally, asked many questions to try and clarify my role (questions my boss kept turning around and asking me if i wanted this or that cut out of my responsibilities) and did not appear outwardly happy, supportive and gung-ho. plus i was not engaged in the usual ego fluffing i have been responsible for for the last 5 years – i did not hang up on him (we do all this on the phone because he works from his home office) i did not call him names. i deserve points for that! and after many conversations with my family and friends and many tears over the weekend, monday i called him (he conferenced in the other partner so my humiliation could be complete) and i ate some crow and still have a job.

*just have to say, my friends, roommate and loved ones were great getting me through my work crisis! my sweetie dakota was at my side plotting ways to do my bosses in and letting me know that we WILL get through this and my folks sent me the email below on sunday night, knowing monday was going to be hard…

Sweet Girl –

Wishing you a decent day tomorrow with a workable outcome.ย  Remember YOU have not changedย  – you are competent, responsible & supportive of your team & your boss/es.ย  This is not your fault.ย  Continue to rely on your own good judgment – it has taken you far.

Go get um Tiger,
Love, Your Original Team

have you ever seen anything sweeter? i am so happy to have such great people in my life

i am waiting for my doc to call and tell me what our next steps are for this cycle. i am D5 and waiting for what ever meds i am gonna be pumping in to spice my month up ๐Ÿ˜‰