not the day we thought we would have…

yesterday dakota and i had the day off together… thanks for the many happy anniversary wishes – i am a lucky lucky woman!

we did not, unfortunately, have the kind of day we thought we might…

– went to doc to do bloods and see what my progesterone level is (they never called to tell me if it indicated i HAD or had NOT ovulated)

– while at the docs, the insurance gals told us that my primary insurance company had rejected (after pre-authorizing) my last iui. we don’t even know what that means… they pre-authorized – doesn’t that mean they had already decided it was covered??? so far they have paid the bills, so the insurance gals don’t know if maybe they got their wires crossed and it is covered…

– also, while at the docs, the insurance gals told me that dakota’s insurance sent them a letter rejecting her ivf (which you will remember THEY pre-authorized) WTF?? this one is even more scary – and more expensive if they now renig. the reason they gave was because we are same sex. they said they made a mistake when the pre-authorized. mind you, i am also covered on this insurance plan because the ALLOW SAME SEX DOMESTIC PARTNERS TO BE COVERED!!! this one is clearly gonna require even more fight from the insurance gals and then from us as well. (what is the likelihood that BOTH insurance companies would pick this week to fuck with us??)

– when we stopped to get lunch, i got a call from my bosses who have been meeting daily behind closed doors to determine the fate of our company given the world wide financial crisis… the upshot is that they are restructuring my job, taking away some of my responsibilities (mainly the managing/buffering from the bosses of most of the team) and cutting my salary by a hefty 15% salary cut.

mostly the day SUCKED, SUCKED, SUCKED!

on the plus side…

– we had gluten-free pizza at mozzerelli’s and it was AWESOME

– i got to be in the car with my sweetie at my side when i learned all the bad and ugly from my bosses. helped to have her there…

– i did not have to go back to my desk and pretend like the whole company is not about to explode – i am the first person they talked with, so it will be few days till the rest of them know the hell we are about to go in to…

– i got to be, once more, amazed that the love i have in my life with my sweet wife makes it possible to get through even the shittiest day thankful for all i have.

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grrrrrrrrrrr…. no ovulation

we were gonna sit this cycle out… i was traveling, made no sense to put me on drugs and have me ovulate while i was away… and even if i ovulated on my own when i got back, we should save the sperm for when i am in the best position to make good with it – super charged follicles – several, right?

dakota could see i wanted to go forward, do an iui when i ovulated, so she gave me no push back to my puppy eyes and readily agreed we would do an iui since i was nearing ovulation when i returned. (i LOVE my sweetie)

yay, we were not sitting out! an iui was gonna happen any day now!

so here is the thing… NO OVULATION! my monitor read increased fertility for about 5 days and then this morning went back to one bar instead of going up to three/ovulation. honestly, if i was allowing myself to consider the symptoms, the sticky slick elastic fertile mucous went away a couple days ago and the cramping i was attributing to ovulation is probably my period coming. but when you expect something (like ovulation — or pregnancy) it is hard not to see what you *think* is supposed to happen.

disappointed, again…

… and, dakota had to go to work this morning and she is working till 9pm 😦  huge pout on my face…

yesterday was our anniversary, we celebrated by dakota going to work 11-9 and me taking dakota’s niece to a special ed seminar on college and career options and support that started at 8am. you ever tried to drag an 18 year old around and attempt to get them to participate in something they don’t want to do? boy are we all in *serious* trouble in about 18 years!!! (it saves her that i know i was MUCH worse myself at that age)

actually, i think it was a great resource and i think that what we learned there may ultimately help whisper (that is the blog name i am giving to dakota’s niece) in setting herself up to do well in college, high-school was SO hard for her. i did it because ya do those things for family and whisper is family. i did it because i love my mother-out-law, dakota’s mom, who would have been there herself (like she has been for EVERYTHING whisper has ever needed – and this child has had a life that would wilt your mind if you knew the half of it) if she had not had to go out of town for a funeral, i did it because i know dakota would have dragged her butt out of bed to do it herself – even though she *had* worked till 12am the night before, but she already had to get up early so she could go *back* to work. i did it because i love this new part of my family… the dakota part!

the good news, i took tomorrow off and dakota is off too! we will have the day to ourselves – boy do we both really need that! an anniversary present to ourselves, as it were 🙂

my little kittie friend, trouble, is sitting on my bed with me being extra cuddly… i think she knows i am having a funky morning. don’t you just love animals?! there is nothing that the sound of a purr can’t make feel at least a little better.

long time

wow, it has been SO long since i posted… i have been (well am still, since i am sitting in the oakland airport) in california.

the meetings i came out here to produce went very well, i had nice visits with my grandmother and sister on either end of the week of meetings, and i am REALLY glad to be going home to dakota, our roomie shenandoah and the little kitties, squint and trouble.

i am exhausted mentally, emotionally and physically…

i have been continuing to gain weight, nothing like stress to pack on the pounds… i am now 60 pounds over my comfortable weight… i am feeling fairly desperate (make that REALLY desperate) to get the weight off and when i get home, dakota, shenadoah and are all going to weight watchers. i know you can not diet while pregnant, and it is frowned upon while trying to get pregnant and i am feeling a bit panicked about what to do. for us, adding some exercise and eating well would actually be a significant change for us, so maybe just doing that (i say *just* like it were so easy) will help with the weight without anything drastic being introduced). is that safe??? is it safe to be reducing your weight even if it is slowly? while actively in the TTC process i have gained about 20 pounds – the other 40 came from previous stress and bad habits… all this weight gain and it can not even be blamed on the drugs since i have thus far had only the brief stint on clomid that got no response from my normally overly medicine sensitive bod.

on the meds front. dakota is feeling like the next step for us is for me to do a more medicated cycle… she is likely right… i could not do that cycle in october since i was away for half of it and had i taken meds i would have ovulated during the meetings/CA time – not to mention i would have likely been an emotional basketcase since meeting weeks are full of long, stress ridden, sleep deprived days as it is. since i did NOT take meds, i have not yet ovulated and will likely do so in the next couple of days. which would be great if we thought it was worth doing another NON-MEDICATED iui…

i talked with my mom on the phone about where we are in the process and she continues to be so lovely and such a support in the whole crazy quest… i know she wants to be a grandmother, but it is so clear that MOSTLY what she wants is for dakota and i to have what we want so badly. i know it is a momly way to be, but i also know it is not a given that any given mom will be that way.

well, it is time to get on the plane so i am gonna post this even though my thoughts are not yet complete… i have missed you all 🙂

— mulberry

insanely busy, insane… busy?

i am distracted by the insane amount of prep and craziness that is my office right now as i prepare my team to go to CA at the end of the week… we have full week of meetings to run next week with about 250 execs… and every day my boss talks to us about the tanking economy and i have to have conversations (as the hr person) with my team about no raises, no bonuses this year, and lets hope we can ride out this plummeting economy and not have to lay anyone off… had to tell the gal who has been temping with us (temp to perm) that i just got word that there is no *perm* in her future and she can work here through october and then bye-bye…

’tis causing a fair amount of anxiety ’round these parts… and is doing NOTHING to relieve the already anxious me… dakota says (and so did the babypants girls while feeding us gluten-free pizza! yay!) that we *will* get pregnant, we *will* have our children… they are coming… some days i know they are right… some days i bury my fears and doubts in the insanely busy hustle of my work… some days (even in the most hustle bustley days) it won’t stay buried 😦